Why am I like this?

>>Maya

“Order whatever you want,” Yohan said while he sat across from me on the chair.

After hearing my obnoxiously loud growling he held my hand and brought me here, to a nearby restaurant. 

He must have felt a great deal of sympathy for me. I mean he caught me stealing and even found out how hungry I was. Why else would he bring me here? 

I know I last ate yesterday morning but this stupid stomach of mine! It could have waited a few more seconds until he was gone to honk like a warship.

I looked at him while he was looking at the menu placed on the table, unamused. His cheek was resting in the palm of his hand while his elbow was right next to the menu on the table surface. With his other hand he flipped through the pages.

I noticed he was wearing an earring on his right earlobe. It was a crescent moon shaped earring in black color. It especially suited him since all of his features were rather pale, from his hair to his skin.

I think he noticed me staring because he looked up from the menu at me, readjusted his arm positions and folded them next to his chest.

I feel like he’s conflicted whether he should ask me about my wrong deeds or just let it go.

I look down at the menu because just staring at each other in silence would be very awkward.

“This.” I point at a dish on the menu, “I want this.” I might seem a bit shameless- okay! Maybe more than a bit shameless, like I know I’m shameless to just freely ask for food from the person who caught me stealing but! He was the one who presented the offer and I’m really hungry!

At times like these one should just throw away the feelings of shame and take what’s being offered. I still feel embarrassed but right now, I just want to fill my stomach.

“Which one?” Yohan leaned forward to see which one I pointed at.

“This.” I keep my finger there and look up.

I flinch but don’t move. Just a few centimeters apart was his face, looking down at the option I chose.

“Okay.” He nodded his head but before receding back to his seat he looked at me.

His a****n green colored eyes met mine and I almost gasped looking at them. For a few moments we just looked at each other’s eyes when suddenly he sat back down on his seat and I realized how weird that must be for the bystanders.

Yohan called the waiter and he noted what I wanted to eat.

“Aren’t you eating?” I asked him as I noticed he only ordered for me.

“No. You can eat. I’m not hungry. I had lunch before coming here.” He looked out the window and I noticed how different he and Ruda are.

“Say,” I started and he looked at me, “How come you and Ruda look so different? You're like the polar opposites of each other.” He smiled. It wasn’t exactly a happy smile, more like a conflicted one.

“We have different mothers.” His answer was simple and clean. It actually wiped out all my questions. I guess when you have different mothers you don’t have any similarity. Ruda’s skin is tanner and his hair’s black, so I had my doubts that maybe one of them was adopted or was a step but turns out they’re half brothers.

“So,” This time he started, “Will you be answering my question now?” I shook my head immediately because I knew what his question was. He chuckled at my response, “I didn’t even ask the question.”

“You’re going to ask me something I’ll be too embarrassed to answer.”

He placed his finger near his chin, “I see, so you did feel guilty doing it.”

“Of course I did…”

“And yet you did it.”

“I had to…”

“It was out of compulsion?”

“Sort o-” I suddenly realized I had given him the answer to his question without him even asking the question!! 

I stared at him agape while he smiled back at me.

“Your food’s here.” He stated.

He really is nothing like his brother. 

The waiter placed the plate in front of me and I looked down to focus on it. I picked up my fork and began to eat my pasta while the realization slowly set in that now he probably knows I can’t even afford to eat properly.

My ears heat up but I drowned everything in while I devoured my food.

***

We rode his car back to the university dorm. I never told Ruda that I had to leave the dorms so of course his brother wouldn’t know either.

“Does Ruda know this?” He asked.

Me stealing? Why would I tell anyone?

“No.” I shook my head, “Please don’t tell him.” He sighed while I pleaded again, “Please.”

“Fine.” He nodded, “But on a condition.”

“What condition?”

“You won’t steal again.” How the fuck will I live and study on an empty stomach?!?!

“Okay.” I lie to him but some people are too smart for their own good.

“I can tell you’re lying.” He answers me and I zip my lips tight, “That means we’ll have to change the condition a bit.”

“Huh?”

“How about I give you a monthly allowance?”

My eyes grow wide, “No!” I denied it so firmly that even he seemed a bit confused so I shook my head gently, “I know I shouldn’t steal but I have someone giving me an allowance. It was my fault I lost the money I received so I did something like this.” If Quincy ever finds out about me taking money from someone else our deal will be over!

“Is that so? You lost the money.” He thought about it, “Did someone steal from you?”

I shook my head, “I lost my purse and I didn’t have the courage to ask my guardian for more. I’m sorry. I really won’t do it again and I’ll be more careful too.” I fiddled with my thumbs as I avoided looking at him.

I lied to his face, so smoothly even I was a bit amazed at myself.

But it was a surprise. Why would he suddenly offer me an allowance? I’m just his brother’s friend and he isn’t even close to Ruda.

“Well,” There was a pause, “That’s good then. I guess I was worried about nothing.”

“Thank you though.” I said, “For the lunch. It was good.”

“No problem. It was nothing really.”

“Really. Thank you so much, I really was hungry. Is there something I can do to repay you?”

He chuckled as he kept his eyes on the road and drove smoothly, “You can kiss me again.” He joked. The humour was clearly visible on his face and in his voice.

I gulped, balled my fists and gave him a peck on his cheek, quiet near his lips, then immediately sat back down on my seat and faced the front but just as I landed the kiss on his cheek the car trembled for a moment but he got it in control almost immediately. 

I know he was joking and he probably didn’t expect me to do that but I just felt like doing it. It was an opportunity. I had the permission even though it wasn’t a serious one.

I gulped again and slowly moved my head in his direction as the car ran speedily on the road.

First, I noticed his hands on the steering wheel. His knuckles had turned white from holding it too strongly. It was as if he was holding them so he wouldn’t do anything else.

Like he was holding himself back.

I slowly turned my face further to the side just to catch a glimpse of him. He still had his eyes on the road and made absolutely no attempt to even look at me.

Maybe he didn’t like it, “Uh sorr-”

“It’s fine!” He answered me even before I got to complete my word of apology, “I liked it.” He confessed.

His straightforwardness got me shy and I turned my head to the other side and stared out of the window.

Strange.

I feel attracted to him but at the same time I feel guilty. Not only am I lying to him, I’m also someone out of his league.

I mean just look at his car. He drives an Audi! And then there’s me, who doesn’t even have a solid roof above her head.

I wonder why he found me charming?

…

Maybe Ruda was lying to me. The thought made me angry and I balled my fist. That son of a bitch!

“We’re here.” Yohan said and I noticed we were in front of my university.

I got out and thanked him again.

“It was nothing really. Just make sure to be a good kid, don’t steal.”

“No worries! I will never get ‘caught’ stealing again!” I winked at him but he didn’t reply, instead he just stared at me, “Okay bad joke.” 

I wonder how I managed to embarrass myself so much in one day? I closed my eyes in utter humiliation. Time to flee. I turned, “Good bye!!” And I ran towards the university

But still I managed to hear Yohan snicker. He probably thinks I’m a clown….

I ran all the way to the library and sat down on a table nearest to the book shelves.

I’ll study here and go back to the dark alley at night. Besides, I needed to drown myself in something to forget my fantastic performance at being a clown today.

It didn’t cross my mind that something even more embarrassing could be waiting for me because the day yet hadn’t ended.