Chapter 5: Sinclair

She was already in bed, sheets pulled up to her chin when I walked back into the room. The single bedside lamp at my side of the bed bathed the room in muted golden light. Cathleen's big eyes stared up at me from the bed, wide and curious. 

I hid my grin. She didn't realize how cute she was and I was sure she'd stab me in the throat if I ever said it. 

I slipped under the covers beside her, ignoring how she tensed as soon as I was situated beside her. I had no plans of mauling her, not now at least and not without her permission, so she had nothing to be afraid of. She was skittish as hell and I didn't know why. 

I turned off the lamp, plunging the room into darkness. I heard her suck in a breath. 

"So, uh, goodnight." She whispered. 

In one swift move, I wrapped an arm around her waist and tugged her into my body. She yelped as soon as we made contact. "What are you doing?"

"Trying to sleep. You?"

She spluttered. "I- you- you-"

I pressed her further into me till she was lying half on top of me. Her head tucked into my chest, one leg thrown over my hip, her hand clutching my shoulder. "Relax. You're as stiff as a board." And why wouldn't she be? Cathleen wasn't one for cuddling and neither was I. It had always seemed like one of those too cliche things people did. I had been glad Cathleen hadn't expected it from me. Most of the women I had fallen into bed with had always wanted to cuddle after the act when I had just wanted them gone. 

"That's what happens when I'm manhandled." She hissed.

I grinned into the dark. "I like manhandling you." 

She scoffed. 

There was a moment of awkward silence only interrupted by the whirring of the ceiling fan. 

"Are you sleeping?" She asked. 

"No. Why?" 

"I'm bored." She whined. 

I chuckled, sliding a hand down to press into her hip. "What do you wanna do? I know what I'd rather be doing." 

"I can hear the sexual intent in your voice you perv." She said and I could practically feel her eye roll. "Do you like dogs?"

I blinked. That was- unexpected. "I'm not sure."

She raised her head to look at me even though she wouldn't be able to see anything. "You're not sure? You've never had one, or thought about having one?"

"No. I can't say I've thought about a dog. I did think about a cat for a crazy second. I dated someone who had a cat. It used to act like a saint when she was looking then try to claw me to ribbons when her back was turned. Suffice to say, that relationship didn't last and neither did my desire for a cat." 

I felt a hot mouth on my neck just before there was a brief sting. "Ow. Did you just bite me?"

"You're not supposed to mention your exes when you're in bed with your fiancee. Don't they teach that at guy code class or something?"

"A pity then that I skipped classes to go out with Suzie." I teased. 

She pinched me. I laughed. "Are you thinking of getting dog?"

She let out a long drawn sigh. "Dogs require a lot of attention and love and I've never been in a place where I had enough free time to keep one. I bet that would be my one regret on my death bed."

"Maybe you should think of cutting back a little." I winced as soon as the words left my mouth. Fuck fuck fuck. They didn't even need to teach this in guy code class to know I had just stepped on a land mine and I was about to be obliterate  into a million pieces. I opened my mouth to take it back, to say literally anything else. 

"Work has always felt like all I had." She said in a small voice. "It's saved me a lot of times by distracting me from life. Or the life I didn't have. I know it seems silly, but for me, if all my hours were occupied, I didn't have time to think of anything else. Like what I'd rather be doing, or how much twelve year old, hell, even eighteen year old me would be so disappointed." 

"What would you rather be doing?" 

"Something that makes me happy. Something I am actually passionate about. But job security is independence for me, and being independent means I don't have to rely on family that will see me as even more of a failure." 

She sounded so sad, so broken in a way I could never have envisioned her sounding. Not even in a million years. "Nobody could ever think you are a failure." 

She chuckled humorlessly. "You don't know me."

The statement set off warning bells in my head. "Of course I do. Maybe not everything, but I know enough to know that you work your ass off. You've achieved what many people can only ever dream of achieving and if you decide to spend the rest of your life trying new hobbies till you find one that makes you happy, I'll be happy to support you." 

"How sweet." Her voice was bland. 

I had only tried to help, but I had felt like I had just said the wrong thing. I wanted to tear my hair out of it's roots. When it came to Cathleen, I didn't know the right moves and it drove me crazy. 

"Ca-"

"Goodnight, Sin." 

I was wise enough to not press the issue even though everything inside of me revolted at letting her go to bed sad. I had never been any good at comforting people or even putting them at ease. My job demanded me to be ruthless and cold. I watched companies that people had put in sweat and blood to build up crash and burn and I came in and bought up the wreckage at give away prices and resold to make a good profit. I was as far from a hero as it got and I had never wanted to be. 

"You're a good man, Sinclair." She murmured. 

Minutes later, her breaths were even and I knew she had fallen asleep. I was awake far into the night, replaying her last words in my head and basking in the fit of her body against mine. So perfect, so soft and relaxed in sleep. I wanted to be a good man for her.