2

*** Helen ***

Alan eventually crawls home at 1am, stinking of booze and stale urine. I’m surprised about him actually being here, he does not usually bother coming home anymore. I’m less surprised about the state of him, he has been on this downward spiral for a long time, and I will be damned if I let him take me and Summer down with him. 

He tries to climb into my bed, ranting and raving about it being his house and he will sleep where he wants. After screaming at him, asking nicely, and trying to kick him out forcefully, I give up and go and get into bed with Summer. I hate living like this and for the countless time, I cry myself to sleep. 

The next morning, I am getting Summer her breakfast before she goes to daycare when Alan swans in. “Can you shut her up? I am trying to sleep.” 

I glare at him; he has got to be joking. “Shall we sing Daddy a song, Summer? Which song is your favourite?” 

My daughter giggles and squeals in delight, she is such a cutie and I encourage her to sing loudly and clap her hands while Alan calls me a stupid bitch as he makes himself coffee. "I keep telling you, Helen, I am not fucking DADDY, I am just Alan." 

“Why are you here, Alan?” I ask him when Summer and I finish our very loud version of Incy Wincy Spider. 

When he looks at me, I am sure there is disgust in his face and it makes me feel awful. “This is my house,” he shouts as he snarls at me. 

“No, Alan. This is my house, in my name, with my mortgage. I do not want you here. I needed you yesterday, our daughter needed you, but you were nowhere to be found. This house is paid for by me, this is my home, mine and my daughter’s, and you cannot just turn up when you please. You are either part of our family or you are not. I have had enough of the limbo and never knowing where you are, never being able to rely on you.” 

He is brooding, as always, but I think I have actually had enough. I may as well be a single mother, I am so alone and unloved. I do not expect him to say anything so when he does, he catches me off guard. 

“Why did you need me?” An unexpected wave of emotion hits me as he asks the question; it's almost like the old Alan is talking to me. The Alan I fell in love with. His tone is softer, almost caressing me with its gentle warmth. 

“My car broke down. Again. And you had cancelled my breakdown cover. I had no one to help me or pick up Summer from daycare. I am so sick of doing this alone when you are my husband and Summer’s father. Where were you? Where are you all the time, Alan? Because you are not here with us. If there is somewhere else you would rather be, then be my guest, but do not come back here again if you do.” 

“I wondered why you had Halle’s car. Look, I am sorry, I was busy trying to rustle up business. But I am here now.” He looks like he means it, but I have fallen for this before just for him to drop me like a ton of bricks as soon as he has his feet under the table. 

“Why did you cancel my breakdown cover? I had to get the car towed, it's going to cost a fortune now.” That is what has annoyed me more than anything. I am an adult. If I want to cancel my cover, I will, but I did not want to cancel, I needed that cover. 

“Baby, I am sorry, I was just trying to save you some money. You said the kids' childcare was costing you most of your wages so I thought that would save you a bit.” He tries giving me the puppy dog eyes but he has just reminded me of why this does not work anymore. 

“The kid? The Kid? Do you mean our daughter? Do you know what? I have to go. I have an appointment at a car showroom to lease a new car, so I don’t have time to argue with you anymore. I do not want you here when I get back. Keys.” I hold out my hand, making it clear I want my keys back. 

He refuses to hand over the keys. “You know I don’t mean it like that, come on, Helen, why are you being so touchy?” He is stroking my arm and then brushes his fingers against my cheek. It's been so long since anyone has touched me or held me that I just melt into his arms. I hate myself and feel so pathetic and weak. 

“Why don’t you blow off the car place, drop the kid.. I mean Summer off at daycare and we spend some time together, you know, getting reacquainted. It's been a while for you, huh?” Alan has never known when to quit while he was ahead. 

“No, I am going to get a car and Alan… that should have been ‘it’s been a while for both of us, huh’?” I see the colour drain from his face and he disgusts me more than I disgust myself with my weak neediness. 

“I am coming with you then. They will try to trick you because you’re a woman.” He is puffing his chest out all importantly. 

“I am leaving in five minutes. I don’t care if you come or not, but I am not waiting for you.” I go to get Summer's shoes and coat while Alan dashes off to get his clothes on. 

I get to the front door, and he comes charging down the stairs. “I’ll drive us, give me your car keys,” he demands. 

“No, I will drive. You still stink of booze, you’re not on the insurance, and most importantly, Summer is in the car.” 

He climbs into the passenger side and waits, not once offering to help lock up the house or help secure our daughter safely in the back. 

I drive Summer to the daycare and leave Alan waiting in the car while I take her in. When I come back out, he is messing with the music system. This car is high tech, I would not expect any less of Halle, and by the time I start the car again he has the sound system linked via Bluetooth to his phone. 

As I approach the car showroom, Alan starts again trying to dissuade me from getting a new car and my temper is right on the surface, ready to erupt. 

“Alan, this is my money and my choice. If you actually contributed to the household, then fair enough, I would consider your opinion, but you don’t. I do not see a penny off you, not for me, for the house, and especially not for your daughter. Why would it be any different now with a car?” 

His snarling face is back, long gone are the tender words and comforting embrace. 

I pull into the showroom’s car park and before I can finish my argument Alan has a text message. Since his phone is linked to the car, I quickly press read. 

Mel 

Where r u baby, why aren’t you home? 

“Who the fuck is Mel?” I ask him accusingly as he pounds the screen, trying to rid it of the incriminating evidence that is already committed to my memory. 

He tries to deny any knowledge of Mel, says it is a wrong number but it's too late. I saw the look of recognition in his eyes and his frenzied panic assured me of his guilt. 

“Get out of this car now Alan, give me back my house keys. Leave me alone and do not come back.” 

He jumps out of the car but still refuses to give me my keys. “You are such an uptight, sanctimonious bitch Helen, is it any wonder I don’t want to spend time with you?” He shouts all over the showroom car park before running off, leaving me red-faced and ashamed. 

I am early for my appointment, so the fact that I am crying in Halle’s car is not an issue. I knew he was seeing someone else; he hardly comes home anymore. He has not touched me since I announced I was pregnant with our child, so I had surmised he has been getting his pleasures elsewhere. That does not mean I am happy about it. He is my husband, and I meant my vows when I made them. How can I stick to my vows when he is shitting all over his? 

As I get out of the car to go to my appointment, I notice quite a few burly men looking in my direction. It intimidates me, like they are all watching me, so I put my head down and rush inside. I am standing at the desk inside giving my name when a ruggedly handsome man comes out of the office. I notice a flicker of recognition in his eyes, but I do not think I know him. 

As he walks to me, I take in his appearance. He is tall, maybe 6ft 3in, with dark hair and a pale complexion with green eyes. He works out; despite wearing a suit, I can see hard-as-steel muscles rolling under the fabric. When he is directly in front of me, he asks me my name, so I give it and tell him I have an appointment at 10am and that Colin sent me. 

“I know you, have we met before?” 

I shake my head in response. I would remember meeting this man. 

He leans in a bit closer and sniffs, taking in my scent. “You smell so good!” 

Who is this weirdo? And why have his eyes turned so dark, like they’re almost black? 

“Erm, I have an appointment to lease a car?” I try to remind him but he is not listening to me. He leans over and gently lifts my chin so my eyes meet his. It's been a long time since anyone has looked at me with such desire, such adoration. I should not like this, it's creepy and strange and yet I feel a connection with him. His voice is deep and sensual and turns my insides to jelly. 

“You are so beautiful. You are mine!”