004 | TO BREAK A BOND

Try as I might, I couldn’t get that stupid dream out of my head.

I scratched irritably at my chest. It was too tight across my lungs and my idiotic heart was swollen from within with need. Reckless, harmful need. 

This was a pointless idea and a huge waste of my time. Still, it was my own fault for lying to my parents about my mate, so I sucked it up and shoved my feet into a pair of sneakers before giving myself a quick once-over in the mirror.

It felt like a miracle to see my new face. Hard green eyes stared back at me beneath neatly shaped dark brows. My eyelashes fluttered as I traced the curves of my high cheekbones, marvelling at the black crescent they formed upon my brown skin. The sun caught the curls of my black hair, which hung loose down my back. Tucking a flyaway strand behind my ear, staring at the odd translucent colour of my fingernails as I did so, I steeled myself. 

A muscle feathered in my jaw. I sighed, watching my lips purse and my face harden. I had to get this over with.

I pushed open the door to the medical centre and stepped out into hazy dawn light. The sun hovered just above the horizon, casting low shadows across the grounds, already burning through the chill of the night. Goosebumps prickled down my long, brown legs, but I ignored them. It would be too hot to wear anything more than the shorts and thin sweatshirt I had on within the hour.

As I strode down the slim pathway that separated the Pack House and the medical centre, ivy curling overhead, my eyes widened in awe. I’d seen colour in the battle, which had been gut-wrenching and, for the most part, horrible; then I had seen it from the confines of my bed in the medical centre, all whites and streaks of gossamer sunlight, but so far I had seen nothing like this.

My throat burned with tears. I swallowed hard around the lump they formed. My lips parted, caught on a gasp; I couldn’t help but stare, slack-jawed, at the way my home looked in colour.

The sun was at my back as I turned towards the training grounds. It strung garlands of soft light across the wooden buildings, reflecting off wide windows in bursts of blue and red and white that shouldn’t have been there, according to the logic I had known for the last twenty years of my life, but made perfect sense now that I could see the bold tones that made up the world I’d blindly inhabited.

If I couldn’t enjoy the mate the Moon Goddess has chosen for me, then I was damn well going to make the most of seeing in colour. I marvelled at the way the light lit the green leaves of the ivy from behind, seeping through and showing darker green veins spreading across the thin membrane of its surface. 

Ahead, the training grounds bloomed in fresh, bright green. The ramshackle wooden cabin at its nearest edge looked more welcoming in the soft browns of its oak than it ever had in pale grey. Daisies blossomed everywhere I looked, their puffed-up yellow centres so bright that I had to squint against them as the sun began its ascent behind me.

Blue eyes hovered in my peripheral vision. With a scowl I blinked them away. 

“Are you back to training already, little wolf?” Nana Baspy called, waving me over as I neared the edge of the medical centre’s long wall. She was reclined in her worn folding chair, a steaming mug of coffee in her hand and this morning’s Pack Announcements folded on her lap. Grandpa Attie was beside her, one hand resting on her thigh.

Dad’s parents both looked like him, with brown skin and stubborn black streaks in their curly grey hair. Grandpa Attie’s rheumy brown eyes, which I’d always assumed to be as grey as his hair, lit up when he saw me.

I grinned, my reservations about my mate drifting away in an instant. The path widened out into a small circle fringed with wildflowers; I froze for a moment, so distracted by their shining petals in hues of pink and lilac and blue that no words left my lips.

“She can’t be,” teased Grandpa Attie. “The poor girl can’t even string a sentence together.”

“Medic Brown gave me the all clear last night, actually,” I said, pressing a kiss to each of their heads in turn before stealing the Pack Announcements from Nana Baspy’s lap. I leant back against the wooden post-and-rail fence surrounding the training grounds and opened it to the first page. “He wanted me to stay overnight just in case, but,” I paused, flexing my muscles, “I’m fine. Mum and Dad suggested that I should use this morning’s training session to look for my mate.” I said it casually, not lifting my gaze from the paper.

“Your mate?” echoed Nana Baspy, sitting up straighter. Her hand slipped, her coffee lapping dangerously close to the side of the cup.

I nodded. “I don’t know who it is yet. Mum and Dad want me to go around the pack and see if anyone else can see in colour.” Unease surged in my chest, my heart protesting at the thought of hunting for another fated mate when I knew mine was not here.

“You can see in colour?” Grandpa Attie wiggled bushy white eyebrows at me. “How do I look?”

I laughed. It eased some of the raw tension in my chest, carving out a hole alongside the pull that, were I to give in and follow it, would lead me right into enemy territory. “You look good, Grandpa. Even if I don’t ever find him, I’d be more than happy with this.” 

Nana Baspy was both surprisingly spritely and surprisingly sharp for her age. “Why would you not find your young man?” she asked, shifting in her chair. The coffee nearly spilled again; with a long-suffering sigh and a flash of fondness in his gaze, Grandpa Attie leant over and took it from her.

I gripped the Pack Announcements tighter. “Oh – well, you know…” I swallowed. “Nobody has come forward yet, and it’s been a week since the battle, so…”

Grandpa Attie nodded like he believed me. Stars bless him.

Nana Baspy tsked. “A young man worthy of you would not have wanted to crow about his new mate in the face of such tragedy. He will come forward as the dust begins to settle.”

“I hope so,” I lied. I couldn’t think of anything I wanted less. 

– – –

The dream haunted me as I meandered through the pack’s training session, darting through young men stretching out long, muscular legs. I stared at them without reserve, wanting to lap up the way the sunlight touched their skin and glistened behind the tiny hairs that wove up their limbs. I had a good cover for my behaviour, anyway: I was searching for someone. Granted, it was someone who was leagues away – but nobody else knew that.

Nobody had run over to me with their eyes wide and a smile splitting their face, or throwing their arms around me and whispering, “Mine,” in my ear. Obviously.

“Why aren’t you training with us, Haile?” called out Etta’s mate, Damon. His brown skin looked particularly beautiful as the sun rose, glistening with a light sheen of sweat. He pushed back his black curls, shaking his head like a wet dog and grinning ruefully when they slipped back over his eyes as soon as he’d shoved it away.

A few paces away, her lean body working through a circuit of press-ups, sit-ups, and mountain climbers, Etta growled. I realised that her dark eyes were fixed on me. I held my hands up. 

“Sorry, Etta. I’m looking at the colours – not your man.” Before she could retort, I turned back to Damon. His head was cocked in confusion, but the smile still lingered on his lips. It was rare to see him without one. “And there’s your answer, Warrior Wolf.” I wiggled my eyebrows at him.

Etta flicked her hair over her shoulder as she stood, wiping sweat from her brow with the back of her hand. I’d always known her hair was dark, and she had told me herself that it was brown after she’d realised Damon was her mate, but seeing it haloed from behind brought out streaks of red that I would never have known were there. “It’s beautiful,” I murmured, so mesmerised that I reached out and caught a lock of it in my hand.

“So you’re flirting with everyone this morning.” She rolled her eyes, but there was no malice in it. “Good to know.” There was a beat of silence, and then she pulled me into a hug. I wrinkled my nose as her sweaty body pressed against mine. “I’m glad you’re back.”

“Me, too.” Despite the sweat, I gripped her tightly. Such a display of emotion was rare after a battle injury; as wolves, especially as the Young Luna and Young Beta, we were expected to get back up and shrug it off, letting wounds, both physical and mental, slip off us like water. 

If we weren’t at war, I imagined that Blue Moon would make time for rampant displays of emotion. Especially if Dad was the only one in charge, I thought with a twitch of my lips as Etta clapped my back and stepped away.

“Hang on,” interjected Damon. “You aren’t training because you’ve found your fated mate?” His brow pinched in confusion.

Etta and I shared a look. 

“I’m not training because I haven’t found him,” I said slowly, like I was speaking to an infant – or an idiot. A smile tugged at my lips as realisation set in, sending his expressive eyebrows up and down as thoughts flitted across his face. 

I was surprised that the news hadn’t been spread. Then again, Blue Moon was built on firm pillars of respect. In the aftermath of battle, good news was rarely shared unless it would boost the mood and morale of the entire pack. My finding my mate wasn’t quite far enough in the common ground bracket for it to be worth sharing after so great a loss to Winterpaw Warrior.

Especially considering I had no idea who the lucky man was, save for that he was my mortal enemy. I pulled a face without meaning to; it definitely wasn’t good news.

“You’re looking for him?” Damon said after the cogs had finished turning.

“Don’t think too hard,” laughed Etta breezily before she jogged back a few steps and started another round of circuit training. Between star jumps she added, “I wouldn’t want you hurting yourself!”

He wrinkled his nose at her, but his eyes were wide and lovesick. Seeing them interact so casually, with such a deep undercurrent of obvious fondness running between them, made my heart twist with pain. I would never have that; even if I found a way to destroy the mate bond, which I knew was impossible without one of us dying, and found another partner, we would never share the soul bond that came with one’s fated mate. 

They were destined: the perfect other half of a soul, chosen by the Moon Goddess and drawn to one another no matter the odds. It was explosive, enlightening, life-changing – or so I’d heard, anyway. 

“I am,” I confirmed with a little nod of my head. “You’ve not heard of anyone suddenly seeing in colour, have you?”

Damon frowned, the expression pulling his eyebrows taut over his brown eyes. “No, I haven’t.” One side of his mouth lifted into a crooked grin. “But I’ll keep my eyes and ears open for you.” He squeezed my arm and I left him to go back to his calisthenics. 

As soon as I stepped away to drift past more men, some shifted into their wolf forms to practice defensive manoeuvres, their coats resplendent in the sunlight, those damned blue eyes pressed at the edges of my vision. 

It was hard to enjoy the colours when I was being watched.

It was hard to enjoy the colours when I wanted to fall headfirst into those blue eyes and leave my pack, my morals, and my family in the dust, if only it meant we could be together.

With a huff I redoubled my efforts, waving and smiling at everyone I passed. I was the Young Luna of the Blue Moon Pack. My pack was my life and, no matter the temptation, I would never turn my back on them.

– – –

I wrung my hands together, hovering outside the door to my parents’ office. I could hear their voices inside. I was no coward, but I could see no good ending to the conversation we needed to have. 

My tour of Blue Moon’s eligible bachelors had, unsurprisingly, been for nothing. I couldn’t keep lying to them; it had barely been a day and the guilt of it was gnawing at my insides. 

I rehearsed my speech in my head for the hundredth time since I’d arrived. Steeling myself, I raised my hand to knock. The sound echoed too loudly down the empty hall.

Blue eyes lurked in the corners of my mind as the door swung open, a knife glinting in the endless ocean of their irises. I tried and failed to shake away the feeling of being watched as I stepped inside, readying myself for an entirely different kind of battle than the ones I was used to.