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Where I Belong
Last Updated:
2024-10-29 19:42:56
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All Grown Up Bruised
JesseI felt bitterness well up inside of me, but that was stupid. I knew right from the start that this wasn’t a forever sort of thing. Audrey would be going back to her dance academy, and I would be staying here. There were no surprises now. Still, it was eye-opening, being slapped in the face with the real truth of things like this.Audrey liked me. I had no doubt about that, but I could never have her the way that her dancing had her. There was no competition there.So there was something sad about watching her dance. It was as though with every motion she made, she was waving goodbye to me—to us. Of course, she wasn’t leaving yet. Her director had told her he wanted her to give it six months before she went back to dancing the way that she had been.At the same time, the reality of it was suddenly all too there. Audrey and I were already saying goodbye in each moment we spent with one another. It was a fact that she would one day leave again.She spun quickly in a circle until I
All Grown Up You Don't Understand
JesseA couple of her tears slipped free, falling in tracks down her cheeks. She didn’t look at me. “You don’t understand, Jesse. I can’t just stop dancing.”“I know you can’t,” I said, nodding. “I don’t fully understand because I don’t have something like dancing that keeps me going, but I know you well enough that I know how much this all means to you.” I paused. “But Audrey, if you want to keep dancing, you need to give this time to heal up. You know that. With the way this looks and judging by the fact that you can barely move it, I’d say it’s a pretty bad sprain. That’s not something that you want to mess around with.”Audrey sniffed. “I just feel so helpless,” she said. “Like there’s nothing that I can do to help it.”“Sure you can,” I said gently. “First, you need to stay off your feet as much as possible. And second of all, you should be icing this.”“I guess.” Audrey sighed. She ran a hand over her face, scrubbing away the tear tracks. Then, she gathered herself and tried to
All Grown Up Scared
AudreyI couldn’t believe that I had gone down like that. Well, I could. I knew the jump was risky to begin with. I knew that it would mean putting a lot of weight on my bad ankle all at once. But I had expected it to be more a problem of the muscles not wanting to hold me after a month of not really training in the way that I was used to. I knew that I was getting weaker every day. I hated that.So, I talked myself into doing the jump. I needed to push myself a little. The only way I was going to be able to go back to Paris was if I knew what I could and couldn’t do and if I managed to deal with the pain.There was no dealing with the pain that woke in my ankle as I landed on it.The move was similar to the one that I had done to mess it up in the first place. This time, thankfully, I didn’t roll my ankle, but it hurt even more than the first time had, and not just because it pulled at the tensor bandage that I had wrapped around my ankle for extra support.That extra support was pro
All Grown Up Throw It All Away
Audrey“Aren’t you working?” I asked, suddenly realizing that his lunch break was probably over by now.Jesse shrugged. “It’s a Friday afternoon,” he said. “I’m sure Joe can handle things. Chance has been doing a great job lately, too.”“Oh, okay,” I said, even though I still felt unsure.Jesse pulled the ice pack off my ankle and inspected it. “Looking better,” he said, nodding approvingly, but all I could see was the fact that it was still a purple mess down there. I winced, looking away. Jesse laughed. “Oh come on, you’ve seen worse than this. Remember that time I fell out of that pine tree and punched a hole in my arm?”I couldn’t help giggling at the memory of it. Of course, the sight of pine needles sticking out of his arm had been disgusting, but it was the way that he had marched inside while his dad had friends over for a Sunday afternoon football game and barbecue and held up his arm declaring that something was wrong. The faces on the adults, staring in disbelief at how cal
All Grown Up Can't Compete
AudreyI looked over at Jesse and grimaced, suddenly realizing that he was still standing there. He had heard all of that. I winced, looking down. “Sorry you had to hear that,” I said.I peeked up at him through my eyelashes. Jesse shook his head but didn’t say anything.“What are you thinking about?” I finally asked.Jesse sighed. “I had a realization when I was watching you dance, and I’m only getting more and more sure of it,” he said.“What realization?” I asked, frowning.At first, I didn’t think he was going to tell me, but finally, he shrugged. “There’s just no way that I can ever compete,” he said.I stared at him blankly. “Like, in a dance competition? You don’t strike me as the kind of guy who would want to compete in a dance competition.”Jesse gave me an exasperated look. “Not what I meant,” he said. “I don’t know how I could ever compete with dance. When it comes to your heart, dancing is always going to be more important to you. Important enough that you’re willing to br
All Grown Up It's All Over Now
Jesse I tried not to grit my teeth as I left Audrey at her mom’s house with her injured ankle. But her words kept ringing in my ears. Can’t we just enjoy the time we have? she had asked me. The question went around and around in my head.The thing was, I wished that I could say yes. That we could just have a little fun and not worry about any of the consequences of that fun. But the truth was, I liked Audrey. And the more time I spent with her, the more I was going to get attached to her, I was sure.It was easy enough for her to want to just enjoy the time that we had without worrying about putting a label on things or whatever else. But she wasn’t the one who would be left behind here in Aberdeen at the end of her six months’ stay. Once her ankle healed up, she was going to go right back to Paris, to her life there, and I would be left here with a giant ballerina-shaped hole in my life.But at the same time, I knew there was no way that I could tell her that it wasn’t okay for us
All Grown Up What He Deserves
AudreyI stared up at the ceiling unseeingly as my thoughts swirled chaotically around in my head. I couldn’t help feeling guilty for the way that I had snapped at Annabelle earlier when she had told me that I needed to take it easy and give my ankle a rest. The thing was, I knew that I needed to rest my ankle more. I was more frustrated than I could say about the way things had happened that day.It was like each time I thought my ankle was getting better, it somehow managed to get worse all over again. Like I was never going to get back to dancing.Not being able to dance, to have my life back, was starting to drive me crazy. I didn’t know how much longer I could stay couch-ridden. I didn’t want Mom or Clayton to have to drive me everywhere. I didn’t want to be sedentary.I knew that I needed to take things easy. But it was just so damned hard to do.But I felt more guilty for what I had said to Jesse. Can’t we just enjoy the time that we have?I knew that I was avoiding conversatio
All Grown Up Find A Hobby
AudreyI heard the front door open. Mom and Clayton were already in bed, so it must be Annabelle coming home after her shift at the bar. I hadn’t realized that it was already that late, but when I looked at my phone, I saw that it definitely was. I sighed and flopped back on my bed. It was late, yet I still felt ages away from sleep.Annabelle crept into the room, taking pains to stay quiet. I appreciated the effort, but I wasn’t asleep. And I knew that I needed to apologize to her for earlier. There was nothing that I could do about the Jesse thing at the moment, but at least I could try to take one weight off my mind for the evening.I sat up. “Hey,” I said quietly.“Hey,” Annabelle said in response, her tone frosty. That, in itself, told me just how hurt she was about what I had said earlier.I looked down at my duvet. “I’m sorry for earlier,” I apologized. “I know you’re just looking out for me. And I don’t want to make excuses, but I’m just frustrated about all of this. I want to
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All Grown Up All Grown Up
AudreyI couldn’t believe that Jesse had gone to all of this work to build the perfect nursery for our baby. From the looks of the crib, it was hand-built, not just one of those flimsy things that you put together from the store. I could tell that there was still some work that he planned on putting into that, and there was a rocking chair only half finished on the floor. But Jesse was building me a nursery for our baby.I could barely believe it.Here I had been so worried that he would want nothing to do with me or the baby, when in fact, exactly the opposite was true. He wanted this enough that he was willing to put his love and dedication into incorporating us into his life and his home. He wanted our baby to grow up here just like he had grown up here.He was so perfect. I didn’t know how to tell him that.Instead, I was given the opportunity to show it to him.I caught his hands in mine and tugged him out of the nursery and back down the hallway to his bedroom. This time, I was
All Grown Up Moving Forward
JesseWhen I heard Audrey’s reasons for why she hadn’t told me about the pregnancy, I felt my heart break a little. Not because her reasons were terrible, but because I’d been so terrible to her this week. If she’d only explained things to me before. I knew that was my fault, though. I hadn’t let her explain. We’d been tired and too full of emotions to really talk last weekend, but I at least should have made time to see her earlier in the week.I didn’t know what I’d been expecting from her, but her actual reasons for not telling me were almost too sweet.“I’m assuming that you want to try to get yourself back into shape and go back to being a ballerina once the baby is born?” I said now, at dinner.To my surprise, Audrey shook her head. “Honestly, I think those days are over.”“I’m sure you can talk to your director and work something out with him,” I said, frowning. “I know there was the injury as well as this, but he seems like a reasonable guy. It’s not like you don’t have the ta
All Grown Up Mending Bridges
AudreyJesse slowly came up to the porch, like he thought I might run in the other direction. “You look really pretty,” he said quietly.“Is that all you came here to say?” I asked tartly.The lips of his mouth twitched with a grin. “Just the start of it,” he promised me. “Have you already eaten? I was hoping that maybe I could take you to dinner and we could talk.”I stared at him for a long moment. So now he wanted to talk? I wanted to hear whatever it was that he wanted to say, though. I wanted him, so badly that I ached. I found myself nodding. “Let’s go,” I said, heading toward his truck.We were both silent on the way to the restaurant that had been our favorite as teens. I should have known that he would take me there. Back to where it all began. There was a part of me that was terrified that I was never going to be able to come back here again after this too-serious conversation that we were about to have.There was another part of me that soared with hope, wondering if this m
All Grown Up Missing Him
AudreyI shook my head. “It’s more complicated than that,” I sighed. “He just got mad because I didn’t tell him that I was pregnant until we were on the way to the hospital. I lied to him about why I was back here, and he can’t trust me anymore.” I bit my lip. “I deserve it, for waiting for the perfect time. I just didn’t think waiting was going to end up making things so terrible.”“Oh, Audrey,” Annabelle sighed, coming over to sit next to me on the bed and giving me a hug. I knew she was probably going to be running late for her shift, but she didn’t seem to care. She just wanted to make sure that I was all right. I nearly cried with how much I appreciated it.She noticed. “Are you crying?”I had to laugh. “Hormones,” I told her. “I’m pregnant, remember? My emotions are all over the place.”She shook her head and went to grab me a tissue from the box on the dresser. “For what it’s worth, I don’t think he’ll be mad at you forever,” she said. “You didn’t see him when you were in Paris
All Grown Up Baby On Board
AudreyI’d had a great day with Mom and Annabelle, cooing over all the adorable little things that we could buy for the baby in the local mall. I knew that they were really excited about the baby, but as much as I tried to match their enthusiasm, I still couldn’t help but feel upset and unsure. It would have been so much easier if I had known that Jesse and I were an item and that he was going to be there for me. For us.I still hadn’t heard from him, though, and now it had been nearly a week since he had found out about the fact that I was pregnant.It had been a long week. Other than that shopping trip, I had barely left the house. What was there to do? Anywhere that I went around town, there was a chance that I might run into Jesse. I didn’t want to admit that I was avoiding him, but the conversation that he and I needed to have wasn’t one that I really wanted to start in public where anyone could witness it.It was a small town. Soon enough, everyone was going to realize that I wa
All Grown Up Audrey
JesseI took a calming breath to steady myself. No. I at least knew Audrey well enough to know that she wouldn’t do something like that without at least telling me that was her plan. Even though I hadn’t reached out to her, she knew where to find me if she really needed to talk about something like that. She knew where I worked, and she knew where I lived.At least, I thought I knew Audrey well enough to trust in that. If not Audrey, though, I had a feeling I would have caught an earful from Annabelle if her sister was even considering that.“You’re sure it’s yours?” Joe asked.“Yeah,” I said. I grimaced. “I actually asked her if it was someone else’s and that was why she hadn’t told me about it. She got pretty upset that I had even dared to think that she might have been with someone else. I believe her.”Joe nodded, and I could tell he was thinking everything over.“Am I right to be angry with her?” I asked, when he didn’t say anything. “I mean, she flat-out lied to me. You were rig
All Grown Up Processing
JesseI knew that I should probably talk to Audrey. Not talking to her was driving me crazy. She had always been one of my best friends, and if there was anyone that I wanted to talk to, it was definitely her. I missed her. I wanted to know how she was handling all of this. I wanted to know what she was thinking.I wanted to make sure that she was following the doctor’s orders to rest and stay off her feet for a little bit, in case it was the stress that had caused that terrible cramping that she’d had the other night. It had been hard for Audrey to stay off her feet before when her ankle was injured, so I could only imagine how she was coping with it now.I hoped for the sake of the baby, our baby, that she was taking the doctor’s words seriously. I had a feeling she would be, though. Somehow, I knew that she was going to make an incredible mother. That little baby was lucky.It was one of the few things that I was sure of.The rest of it was all uncertainties, and that right there w
All Grown Up Stress
Audrey“Eleven weeks,” I said. “Annabelle and I went for the ultrasound on Friday.” I pulled out the picture to show her, and her face lit up.“Look at that little peanut of a thing,” she cooed. “He looks adorable.”“He?” I asked skeptically. “You can’t possibly tell that from the picture.”Mom tutted. “Let me have my dream,” she said. “It would be good to have a little man around the household again. Besides, look at the way he’s positioned. He must be a boy.”I tried not to laugh. “Maybe it’s a boy,” I said, glancing at Annabelle.“Audrey’s hoping it’s a girl so that she can teach her to be a ballerina,” Annabelle said.“The world could use more male ballerinas,” Mom said, winking at me. “I always wished that I would have a boy to balance out you girls.” She sounded wistful, and I suddenly realized that I had never known if two kids were all that she planned to have or if things just hadn’t worked out for more. It suddenly seemed like something that I should know.Mom was wrapped up
All Grown Up Telling Mom
AudreyI had barely left my bedroom for the rest of the weekend after Jesse dropped me off at home. I couldn’t help thinking of the terrible things that he had said to me out in the driveway. I couldn’t help thinking of how much I deserved for him to say those things and more to me.I had fucked up. I knew that now. No, I had known that all along. I knew that I should tell him about the baby. All the reasons not to tell him seemed so stupid now. I couldn’t even think how to apologize to him, in fact, that’s how stupid all the reasons sounded in my head.Not that I was going to get a chance to apologize to him. I had given him his space on Saturday. He wanted time to cool off and process things, and I would give that to him. Sunday, I hadn’t been able to stop myself from texting him, though. I understood if he wasn’t ready to talk yet, but I just wanted to know when he might be ready to talk. The uncertainty was killing me.He hadn’t responded. Suddenly, I felt panic go through me, eve
