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i went into the studio
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Affair with the Rockstar Ryan and I went to the
Ryan and I went back to the house and packed. We made love afterwards, then collapsed and drifted off to sleep.4AM came brutally early.I barely remember it, actually. I sleepwalked through my shower, then slept most of the way in Mr. MacCruder’s truck with my head on Ryan’s shoulder. Same with the airplane. I woke up for our connecting flight in Dallas, and stayed awake the rest of the trip – which I wished wasn’t the case, because all I did was worry about seeing my parents in Savannah.Ryan tried to soothe me. “It’s going to be great.”“Yeah,” I said half-heartedly.He hesitated. “…you know… I could just not go.”“What? What do you mean?”“If you’re uncomfortable about me meeting your family, I could wait until after you’ve left, then rent a car and drive to Athens. You could tell them I had to change plans at the last minute.”Once again, I felt horrible.“NO! What are you talking about?!” I yelped, even though I knew exactly what he was talking about.“You just seem a little… p
Affair with the Rockstar i cried for a good
I cried for a good five minutes. Finally I sat back and dried my eyes. Mom got up and brought me some Kleenex, then poured out some more wine for her – and a glass for me.“Just for the record, Kaitie-bear, I think you traded up,” she said as she handed me my drink.“Ryan?”She nodded.I half-sobbed, half-smiled. “Yeah… yeah, I guess I did.”Mom stared into my eyes as though searching for something. I had to look into my drink, because I didn’t want her to find it.“Sometimes,” she said gently, “after you’ve been on a rollercoaster ride, it can take awhile to fully appreciate a really, truly good man.”I looked up at her, a bit annoyed. “I appreciate Ryan.”“I know.”“I love him,” I said… and remembered my phone conversation with my mother while I was still in South Dakota.Your boyfriend? I’m so looking forward to meeting him! What’s his name?I remembered which name I had started to say.“I love Ryan,” I repeated, almost too insistently.“Okay,” Mom said, and left it at that.“Speak
Affair with the Rockstar we left under a dark
We left under a dark cloud. My mom and brothers were great; it was my dad that was the problem. He was cold and distant the entire time.On the other hand, my mom was a total sweetheart. “Come see us again soon as you can,” she said as she gave Ryan a hug.Tim and Rob tried to be cool, but that only lasted for about 30 seconds. Then they were begging for one last selfie with Ryan before we hit the road.While the boys were busy, Mom came over and got me alone. “I love you, honey.”“I love you, too.”“Is everything okay?”“It’ll be fine.”“If it’s your father, don’t mind him – ”“It’s fine, Mom. Seriously, it will be okay.”She gave me a long, searching look, then finished with a hug. “Don’t be a stranger.”“I won’t,” I said – and meant it.Before we left, I hugged my father, and Ryan shook his hand. It was awkward – more like keeping up appearances than anything else. But then it was over, and we were off.Tim drove us to the nearest rental car place, and he and Rob helped us get our
Affair with the Rockstar the doorbell rang
The doorbell rang while Riley was still around. She was acting sulky and sullen and tossing gravel in the goldfish pond, trying to hit the fish.“Leave the fish alone,” Ryan called out as he went in the house to answer the door.“They’re fuckin’ fish, they need some excitement,” she yelled back.I followed Ryan into the house.“What’s up?” Ryan asked.“Nothing. I just don’t want to be called ‘Yoko’ anymore.”“She quit doing that.”“Yeah, except when she mouths it silently when your back is turned.”He grimaced. “Ah, Riley.”As we got closer to the door, my heart sped up. I knew it couldn’t be Derek – the flight from LA to Atlanta was probably five hours, and then there was all the time at the airport beforehand, not to mention the hour-plus drive to Athens. And he’d only been released from rehab about four hours ago, according to the text from Miles.But I was nervous just the same until Ryan opened the door.There stood a certain short, long-haired guitarist dressed all in black – an
Affair with the Rockstar We eventually wound up on the back
We eventually wound up on the back patio, with Ryan grilling up burgers for all of us.Derek stood around drinking a bottle of sparkling water. He seemed calm, collected, almost zen. He cracked jokes, smiled, told stories about rehab – like how he had tried to escape five times in the first three days.“I didn’t adjust so well at first,” he grinned.However, Miles had posted rotating shifts of roadies surrounding the walls of the property. Every time Derek got out, a big, burly dude had chased him down, tackled him to the ground, sat on him, and then called his fellow guards to help carry Derek back inside, kicking and screaming.“The first time it was Otto – remember Otto, with the beard?” Derek asked Ryan. “He sat on me and I was screaming, and the whole time he was shouting, ‘I’m sorry, man! I’m sorry! Miles is making me, dude! Don’t hate me, bro!’”He went on to talk about long hours of therapy, and even longer hours of solitary soul-searching. About how he realized that he was al
Affair with the Rockstar we drove downtown
We drove downtown and parked in front of the gyro shop.“We’re going in there?” I asked, surprised.“I was planning on it. Why?”“I don’t know – aren’t you afraid you’re going to get to mobbed by people?”“Naah, I hang out downtown all the time. I get asked for pictures and stuff, but people in Athens are used to seeing me, so it’s no big deal.”“If you say so,” I muttered dubiously.We walked into the gyro shop. The restaurant was just the way I remembered it: grease-smudged wallpaper, rickety tables, the smell of roasting meat in the air. It felt like not a moment had passed in over four years – especially when the shaggy-haired alterna-dudes behind the counter immediately shouted out welcomes.“Derek! What’s up!”“Hey man, how’s it goin’!”“D – good to see you, dude!”The guys were different from four years ago – at least I think they were – but otherwise it was complete déjà vu.Derek walked over to the counter and shook hands all around. “How’s it goin’, Bennie? Dwight, my man! Z
Affair with the Rockstar it took me a long while
It took me a long while to compose myself, but when I finally did, I drove back to Ryan’s. The guard waved me through the gate, and after five minutes of winding through his neighborhood I parked in the garage.I thought about what I was going to say as I sat there in the darkness.I could tell him the truth… but then he would quit the band, I was sure of it. He would sever all ties with Derek, and it would all be my fault.I didn’t want that. But that would be what happened if I told him.…or……I could lie.I could tell him about the rest of the evening. Nothing had happened at the dorm or the gyro place. I could leave out the part in the parking lot. I wouldn’t even have to leave out all of it – just the part at the end.It wouldn’t be a full-on lie; more like bending the truth.No… if you’re going to lie, at least don’t lie to yourself.I felt sick.I hadn’t wanted any of this to happen. I hadn’t wanted Derek to come back, I hadn’t wanted to feel these feelings, I hadn’t wanted thi
Affair with the Rockstar After that
After that, we were joined by the producer and the sound engineer. Avi was from New York and Bob was local. They all knew each other from doing the last record together, so there were a lot of hugs with the hello’s, not to mention numerous comments about how good Derek looked after rehab. They were both polite to me, though I couldn’t shake the feeling that they knew all about the romantic drama and were walking on eggshells.Then the band went into the recording studio. Like their casual rehearsals on the road, Ryan was a stickler for recording everything, just in case a nugget of brilliance emerged.I stayed in the control room with Avi, Miles, and Bob, and tried to keep out of everyone’s way.“Well, we could do ‘When It Was Through.’ Or ‘Gold and Diamonds,’” Ryan suggested, referencing two of the songs I had heard them practice on the road. His words piped in through the speakers in the booth, making him sound like the voice of God.Avi clicked a button on the console and spoke. “W
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