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On the way to Joshua tree
Last Updated:
2023-07-01 16:00:20
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Affair with the Rockstar Hey I want to
“Hey, I want to ask you a question,” I said as we walked along.“What?” Ryan asked.“What’s Killian’s deal?”“What do you mean, ‘what’s his deal’?”“The only questions he wouldn’t answer in the car were about his love life.”“Yeah, so?”“So, is he straight? Is he gay? What is he?”“He told you about those two girls.”“Yeah, but he might as well have said they were playing tiddlywinks. I know about Derek… and you told me about some of your adventures – ”“Is that what they were?” he joked. “Not misadventures?”“Call them what you like, but at least you had them. And I’ve seen Riley in action – which is something I wish I hadn’t seen. But the entire time I’ve been here, Killian hasn’t so much as made a pass at anybody. The most I’ve seen him do is share a joint.”Ryan was quiet for a moment.“Maybe you ought to ask him,” he suggested.“I did, remember?”Ryan sighed. “I didn’t tell you this, okay?”“Okay.”“Seriously, this is off the record.”“Of course.”“I’m not sure Killian has a ‘thi
Last Updated : 2023-07-01Affair with the Rockstar Ryan and I got off of the
Ryan and I got off of the heavy topics and onto some more light-hearted fare – how his sisters kept asking him for cell phone pictures they could show around school, how his mother kept trying to set him up with the daughters of her friends – when I started giggling uncontrollably at one of his comments.“It wasn’t that funny,” he said.“I know,” I said, slightly alarmed at my reaction.“Well, thanks,” he joked.That set me off giggling again.“No, I mean… oh my God, is it happening?” I asked, suddenly remembering that I had eaten an illegal substance about twenty minutes ago.“Could be.”“Could be?”“I don’t know. I never did mushrooms.”“What did you do?”“Cocaine, pot, some uppers and downers… nothing psychedelic.”For some reason beyond understanding, that was the funniest thing I’d ever heard.He just stood back and smiled as I doubled over in laughter.“Are you okay?” he asked.I was more than okay.I was absolutely fan-fucking-tastic.“I’m just… happy,” I told him. And it was t
Last Updated : 2023-07-01Affair with the Rockstar We finally reached the
We finally reached the cabins. And Bob.He was outside in the dark, surrounded by the dogs, who were running around him and yapping.“You guys okay?” he asked.In reality, his tone of voice was probably just concerned. Solicitous. Wanting to make sure we were alright.But remember, at this stage of the game, I was still convinced he was God.I believe I now have some insight about how Adam and Eve must have felt when their Maker showed up in the Garden of Eden and asked, Hey, have you two crazy kids been eating any apples?I felt like my soul was laid naked before him, and he could see all my sins. All I wanted to do was run and hide.Not Derek.“Never better, Bob!” he crowed.Killian just giggled uncontrollably as he kept playing his weird, atonal guitar solos.As the lone sober person, Ryan stepped in as ambassador for the rest of us druggies. “We’re good, thanks.”“Okay,” Bob said. “If you need anything, just holler.”And then God and his angels retreated to Heaven, leaving us mer
Last Updated : 2023-07-01Affair with the Rockstar We made love
We made love after that, and it was extraordinary.The mushrooms were still affecting me, so that was obviously part of it.But even more powerful was the emotional high I was on.The two of those things combined were absolutely mind-blowing.A few minutes before, my anger had taken me out of the moment.Now my love and desire for him made nothing exist but the here and now.His body, my body, become one.At times, it was hard to tell where he ended and I began. We kissed at first – a long, slow, lingering kiss that seemed to last forever. Just like out in the desert, I lost all sense of time. It might have been two minutes, or it might have lasted fifteen. All I know is that as he touched my arms, I could feel him stir every downy little hair. When his mouth moved across mine, I could feel the hot, wet, feverish slide of his lips pull against my skin. His breath in my ear was just as erotic as any touch, and when I felt his body pressed against mine, it felt like I had found a part
Last Updated : 2023-07-01Affair with the Rockstar when I awoke the next morning, I wondered if
When I awoke the next morning, I wondered if maybe my brain was broken.All my thoughts were fuzzy and disjointed. My head throbbed. Things seemed slightly unreal and hyper-real at the same time.Hangover time, mushroom style.Derek was still asleep, lying naked in the sheets.Mmmm… nice view. But I felt so messed up that I couldn’t properly enjoy it.I got up and took a shower, trying to will the hot water to wash away my blahs.No such luck.I remembered having sex without the condom, and freaked out a little bit. I was on birth control, so there was no chance that I was pregnant – but I was a little worried about other things.I thought back to what he had told me: I get tested now, once a month. And I’m totally clean, by the way. I hoped we were on Day 3 of the month rather than Day 29.Fuck it… there’s nothing you can do now, so quit worrying about it.I got dressed and threw on a little makeup, then went back to the bedroom.Derek looked up sleepily from the tousled sheets. “H
Last Updated : 2023-07-01Affair with the Rockstar after I got over
After I got over my bout of mortification, we talked for a little bit.“What did you think of the mushrooms?” Killian asked.“Did not care for them,” I answered, and proceeded to list all the messed-up phenomena I’d experienced – from the feelings of unreality, to the obsessively looping thoughts, to the complete inability to distinguish time.“Oh my,” Killian said sympathetically. “I’m sorry about that. That sounds bloody awful.”“The first hour was good, at least.”And the last couple were mind-blowing, I thought, though I didn’t say it out loud.“I had something similar the second time I came here,” Killian said.Ryan started laughing uproariously.I stared at him. “What’s so funny?”“Because he knows what’s comin’ next.”“I’d forgotten about that story,” Ryan guffawed.“What story?”“Well, I decided I wanted to be completely free. Just free of everything. I had this overwhelming urge to unburden myself of all the trappings of the civilized world… so I threw my wallet and my keys o
Last Updated : 2023-07-12Affair with the Rockstar finally after mushrooms and
Finally, after mushrooms and orange juice, and Santa Claus lookalikes and doggie angels, and treks through the desert and psychedelic sex… we finally made it to Joshua Tree National Park.After the drama of the previous 24 hours, the rest of the trip was boring by comparison. We just spent several hours driving around the park (fully sober, by the way – except for Killian, who was never sober). It was beautiful, in an otherworldly, Star Trek planet meets John Wayne western kind of way.Joshua trees look like God took tree bark and twisted it every which way like pipe cleaners, then added green spiky cacti at the ends of all the branches. The trees are interspersed throughout a landscape filled with odd rock formations. Almost completely spherical stones… natural arches, probably carved by water over a hundred million years ago… and fifty-foot-tall piles of boulders.It was one of the weirdest and most beautiful places I’d ever seen.But my enjoyment was hampered by the fuzziness of my
Last Updated : 2023-07-12Affair with the Rockstar twenty four hours later
Twenty-four hours later, we were in San Francisco. Technically the concert was at the San Jose HP Pavilion, but close enough.Shanna’s flight didn’t get in until later in the day, so we didn’t see her until right before the show. We were all hanging out in the ready room, eating filet mignon and Big Macs, when one of the security guys popped his head in.“Hey, Mr. Kane, there’s a woman out here says you flew her in from New York?”“Shanna, is that you?” Derek shouted.“Hell yeah!” echoed around the corner.She came in the room like a giant ball of energy, shrieking happily as she jumped into Derek’s arms. He twirled her around, and she laid a big kiss on his cheek.“Careful, somebody’ll get jealous,” he said, and shot me a little smirk.He was right. Even though I knew it was harmless, the green-eyed monster still dug its claws in me pretty good.She was dressed in typical Shanna fashion – meaning, hot to trot. She wore skin-tight Daisy Dukes that hugged her ass, cute little brown boo
Last Updated : 2023-07-12
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Affair with the Rockstar we took little breaks
We took little breaks, drank water and wine, talked and whispered, touched and caressed… but we most definitely did it again.Three more times, by my count.It was after four AM when we finally dropped off into a deep slumber, our bodies intertwined.I woke up sometime after ten AM. I looked around me in wonder, hardly believing what had happened – or how lucky I was. Two gorgeous men on either side of me, the golden sunlight kissing their naked bodies, their cocks looking delectable as they slumbered.Neither of the boys was awake yet, so I carefully extracted myself, went into the bathroom and freshened up. Then I came back and reinserted myself back into the mix.Both guys opened their eyes sleepily as I slid between them.“Holy shit… did we do what I think we did?” Derek murmured.“Several times,” I giggled.“Wow,” Ryan muttered. Then he looked at me. “Did you… was it everything you hoped it would be?”I kissed him. “Without a doubt, last night was the best night of my entire life
Affair with the Rockstar Derek kissed me
Derek kissed me, his cock pressed hard against my belly – and then he pushed me back onto the bed. He stood above me, his erection jutting hard and stiff into the air, as he placed the condom on the head of his cock and slowly rolled it downwards.Ryan was looking left out and forlorn, so I gestured to him. He sank down on the bed and began to kiss me, his left hand playing with my breast.“Um…” Derek said.“I want to be able to kiss and touch both of you,” I said. “Not just one at a time.”Derek sighed. “Alright, fine. Just remember the rules, dude.”“Don’t worry about me,” Ryan said darkly.Derek lowered himself between my legs and began to lick his way up the inside of my thighs. I sighed and moaned as Ryan kissed me – and then he pulled away and stared into my eyes.At just that moment, Derek reached my pussy and slowly began to lick up my lips to my clit.One man going down on me, another staring into my eyes and caressing my face – it was one of the most erotic things I’d ever e
Affair with the Rockstar Ryan was the first to move
Ryan was the first to move. He cupped my face in his hands and leaned over and kissed me, slowly… sensually.As I closed my eyes and gave myself over to the kiss, another pair of hands slowly touched my waist. Derek.He brushed aside my hair, and I felt his warm lips on the back of my neck.I shivered, and a jumble of emotions surged through me all at once: fear. Excitement. Desire. Shame. Love. Longing. Uncertainty.Were we really going to do this?Was this really going to happen?As Ryan continued to kiss me, one of Derek’s hands tugged at my blouse, pulled it up out of my skirt, and brushed across my bare skin.Holy SHIT, this really WAS going to happen.I parted lips with Ryan, then felt a gentle tug at my hair. I turned my head slowly, as though in a trance – and Derek’s lips were there to meet mine.With Ryan’s taste still in my mouth, now I had Derek’s, as well – the slightly darker, smokier taste of his lips, his tongue.It felt wrong.But it was sooooo hot.Ryan began to nuz
Affair with the Rockstar A couple of times
A couple of times there was some angry shouting from the bedroom, but most of the talk was in hushed whispers. Under ordinary circumstances I might have been interested in eavesdropping, but I was so drained, I really couldn’t work up the enthusiasm. Besides, I knew what they were talking about: me.And they talked for a looooong time.After about ten minutes, I gave in and opened the wine. Like the classy lady I am, I swigged it right out of the bottle.Twenty minutes later I was finished with the wine and had a nice buzz going – probably due to my exhaustion as much as the alcohol – when they finally walked out.The stood in front of me, and this time it was me who waited anxiously.“Well?” I finally asked.“…okay,” Derek said.My eyes almost bugged out of my head.“What?!”“I said okay.”“I know what you said, but – ” I turned to Ryan. “You’re okay with this?”He looked unhappy. “I wouldn’t call it ‘okay,’ but… I can’t lose you. I won’t lose you.”“Same goes for me,” Derek agreed.
Affair with the Rockstar They stood there
They stood there staring at me mutely for what seemed like ages.Derek spoke first.“…what?”“I want both of you. I need both of you in my life.”“We’ve both been in your life the last few weeks, and I think we’ve seen how that worked out,” Ryan said darkly.“Which means you two are going to have to work it out and learn to live with each other – if you want to stay with me.” I turned to Derek. “I know you can’t be faithful. Not forever, anyway – ”“I can and I will,” he protested. “You just have to give me a chance.”“I already gave you a chance,” I said. “You even said back in Vegas that you would have cheated no matter what.”“That was the old me!”I shook my head. “I can’t – I won’t – be with somebody who would lie to me, who would rip away everything we built together like that,” I said, snapping my fingers.“I wouldn’t do that,” Derek protested.I just looked at him for a moment like, Really? REALLY. He sighed in pain. “You won’t ever trust me again, will you?”I hesitated for
Affair with the Rockstar Jessie's girl finally ended
“Jessie’s Girl” finally ended and they launched into one of the new songs, “Gold And Diamonds.” Derek didn’t alter anything in that one, but the shenanigans weren’t over yet. Not by a long shot.As soon as it was over, he announced to the crowd, “I’m thinkin’ another cover… what about ‘My Best Friend’s Girl’?”The Cars’ 1978 hit.He was sticking to a theme.Again, Killian looked panicked.Again, Ryan nodded his consent… but he looked like he might pop out a switchblade or a Saturday Night Special any second.Derek sang the song.I felt sick.Derek was trying to tear Ryan apart, all on account of me. Just because he was doing it by fucking with his head didn’t make it any less painful or brutal.Next up was a Bigger song – “Girl, Please Stay.” Which kind of stuck to the theme.The crowd sang along.Another spontaneous cover followed: Blink 182’s “Dammit.”Ryan agreed again when Killian looked at him, even though it was evident what Derek was doing. It was hard to miss when he changed t
Affair with the Rockstar After the interaction
After the interaction with Miles – one more strand of loss in my personal Gordian Knot – I lost my taste for any further drinking and went back upstairs.Ryan was already in bed. As soon as I came in, he rolled over. “Hey.”“Hey,” I said as I sat down on the edge.We stayed in uncomfortable silence for awhile.“I still want to be with you,” I said quietly.A long pause.“…but…” he said, waiting for the other shoe to drop.“I don’t know. I’m… I’m…”I started to cry. Not out of any attempt to get out of the discussion, but because I was so tired. And so worn down. And so unhappy about hurting so many people – including myself.Ryan is nothing if not a softie. He lay there for a few seconds listening to me, then stretched out his hand. “Come here.”I sniffled and crawled across the covers until I was nestled against his bare chest.“I want to be with you,” I whispered.“Are you absolutely sure that’s what you want?”I nodded ‘yes,’ because I wasn’t entirely sure I could convince him with
Affair with the Rockstar i hastily wiped
I hastily wiped my tears off my cheek, then the taste of Derek off my lips.“Just a minute – ”There was the sound of a beep, and the click of the lock.The door opened before I could get it, and there stood Ryan.He looked furious.I cringed, imagining him about to say all the horrible things about myself I knew I deserved to hear – “Did he hurt you?” he asked, striding into the room and enveloping me in his arms.Oh my God…I was feeling so guilty about my desires, and all he could think of was if I was alright.“No,” I sobbed.“Tell me the truth – did he hurt you?” He held me out at arm’s length, his face a mask of fury. “I’ll kill him – so help me God, I’ll fucking – ”Our eyes met, and suddenly he knew.All the anger drained away and was replaced by hurt. But when he spoke, his voice was dead. “…you kissed him.”I exhaled shakily. “He kissed me.”His arms went slack and he let go of me. Just stood there, looking at me. Then he walked past me like he was in a trance, sat on the e
Affair with the Rockstar Austin City limited
Austin City Limits was only a week away.Bigger almost didn’t go. In fact, they wouldn’t have gone except for Riley.“You fuckin’ pussies can bail, but I’m not, and fuck ALL y’all if you try to say it’s cuz of me,” she said angrily as she sat up in her hospital bed.It was a band meeting with Derek, Killian, and Ryan in her hospital room on Sunday night. Miles was there, too, as was I. Megan had wanted to stay, but Riley forced her to catch a redeye back to New York so she could return to her med school classes Monday morning.“Riley, your health is the most important thing here,” Ryan said.“I’m fine.”“You’re not fine. You almost died.”“Well I’m not dead NOW, am I? So we’re playin’ the fuckin’ concert!”“Riley, you’re in no condition to play,” Derek said.“Fuck you – I’ve done gigs where I was beat up, bleeding, almost dead and I still played.”“Not with Bigger, you didn’t,” Miles growled.“No, not with fuckin’ Bigger, cause you’re all a bunch of pussies!”“As manager – ”“As manag
