Chapter 5

“What brings you in today?” Dr. Peterson asked, she folded her hands on her lap and looked at me expectantly in that friendly way she always liked doing that made you want to tell her everything that was on your mind.

I fidgted with my fingers, suddenly feeling like I had made a bad choice by calling and schedulling an appointment. But in the moment I had rang up her office, I didn’t know what I was doing. “I’m fine, it’s nothing. I don’t know why I called in the first place.” I abruptly stood up. “Sorry for disturbing you. I will be leaving now.”

I was almost to the door when Dr. Peterson spoke from behind me, stopping me right in my tracks. “Are you sleeping okay these days?”

“Not really.” I found myself answering truthfully with a sigh. I spun around to face her and she still had the same welcoming expression on her face but now her notebook was on the table besides her chair. “Sometimes it gets easy to sleep then other times I just stare at the wall.”

“Do you want me to prescribe you something like last time?”

“Maybe, I don’t know,” I shrugged as I sat back on the couch, feeling frustrated with myself for not knowing what I want or what to do with my life. Sometimes I wondered why I even bothered to put much effort in anything I did and other times, living seemed like it was a great idea. “I feel like I still don’t know who I am or what I want and he just seems to complicate things.”

“I don’t know why I always go along with what he says but I don’t know, somehow feels right to be wanted by someone for a change. It’s like I know I really shouldn’t be getting involved with him because I don’t know anything about him and my friends wouldn’t really be happy with it but damn,” I tugged at my hair and felt the pain sink through me as my eyes slowly met Dr. Peterson’s. “It just feels right.”

I was expecting her to say something immediately about what I had just said but she kept quiet which was more infruriating than I had initially thought. I don’t know what I was expecting but it sure wasn’t silence. “This is where you say something doc.”

“What would you like me to say Jake?” Dr. Peterson leaned forward with her hands on her lap. “How do you want me react to the fact that you found someone interesting enough as to talk about them?”

“I don’t know, anything. Just not silence. You can tell me I’m suddenly losing my mind because I don’t know anything about him and I still need to heal from my trauma before I can have some sort of relationship or whatever it is that’s going on.”

I needed her to me I was making a bad choice and I should stay away from Liam. He wasn’t good for me or what I needed at the moment. Being with him made me feel bad because I was living my life while Kayla and Alexis would never have that and I hated myself for it.

“I can’t help feeling disgusted with myself for feeling such emotions when they will never have that. They were just so young and deserved to be happy. I don’t deserve to be happy.” As the words left me, they felt so true which only hardened my resolve. I was never going to see Liam again. I just couldn’t do that to myself and to him if I could never fully commit.

“Why do you think you don’t deserve happiness? Were you the reason for what happened to Alexis and Kayla? Did you force them to make the choices they made?”

I could hear their voices getting louder, telling me if only I had tried harder then they still would be here. I should have been the one who died and not them. At least they had something to live for and had people who loved them unconditionally but I had no one.

“I could have done better.” The words sounded lame even to my own ears.

Dr. Peterson sighed which was the first time I ever heard her do that. “This is a little unethical for me but Jake, you have been my patient since you were a kid and I’ll tell you this. I know you have this whole conception that no one loves you or ever will but that’s not the case. From our previous sessions, I know it seems that your parents don’t want you nor love you but they do in their own way. And your friends, they need you to be around more, to laugh with them and do whatever it is that your age does. If Alexis and Kayla were here, they would want you to be happy and start living your life.” She crossed her legs and gave me a smile. “You deserve happiness, go slow and give whatever it is with this person a chance. After all, you don’t know anything until you let someone in and let time take it’s course.”

“But what if I get my hopes up and then he breaks my heart? I’ve never been with anyone and I don’t think I want to carelessly risk everything for a’maybe’.”

“As your therapist, you re right about not diving in when you haven’t fully healed from everything. You need to love yourself enough to be willing to take the risk of letting someone in enough for them to see your scars and help you heal.”

I abruptly got up and started pacing about. “This doesn’t make sense, you want me to get my heart broken so you can keep making money from me. Is that is?” I spat. “Does my life interest you that much that the only help you can offer is one that will always benefit you?”

I was disgusted, she was the one person who was supposed to help me but what help had she given me? She didn’t want me to help me but herself and I fell for it. Turning my back to her, I walked out of the door and never looked back. I was going to figure everything on my way, I didn’t need her. I was still in lost in my head as I walked out of the building and suddenly bumped into someone. The impact was so strong that I nearly fell but the person held me.

“Fancy running into you here Miller. Missed me?”