Broken words

The coldness of the wind carried a quiver down my spinal cord when I walked on my porch, staring at the guy with a sense of anger rising in me.

Then my attention drifted away from him for a second, and I realized that outside, the snow was thick on the doorway and the snow had sheltered the trees and presented them as sparkling at first sight. 

After a moment of losing my focus to nature, I stared back at the delivery guy, noticing that he had a thick sweater concealing his uniform and his hair was messy from the snow.

You are Mr. David, right?" He inquired, shivering I guess from the cold.

"That's correct, although I did not request flowers. I purchased mine this afternoon. Is there a possibility you got the order wrong?" I uttered as the delivery man laid the bouquet in my hands.

It felt awkward because I wasn't sure why I was receiving flowers when I don have the slightest idea who in their right mind would send me these at such an hour for no reason.

"I am certain that the order is accurate. A female called this evening, requesting our flower shop to deliver a bouquet of daisies and present it to you, Mr. Jackson David." He responded in an anxious and slightly furious tone.

Now, I was pissed because only two females comes to mind once he said those words, my mother and my wife, and I wasn't expecting either of them to send me these.

“If you are still doubtful, here are my records.“ The delivery guy uttered, handing over a chart holder to me.

I was hesitant because my mind was messing with my emotions with all these stupid thoughts running about freely through my head. But I did accept it a minute later. 

From his notes, it was clear that I was the owner of the bouquet and shit wasn't making any sense at this point. But I handed him back his chart holder and glared down at the flowers.

"Thanks, Pete," I mumbled and tipped the man for his service with a loose charge from my pocket 

As I was about to head inside, his words caused me to stop when he said, "Mr. David, are you fine? That cut is deep, and it seems infected. Maybe you should visit the hospital." 

"I… will be fine" I let him know before entering my home and shutting my door. 

Gazing at the flowers, I frowned at them, feeling a sense of annoyance as reality somewhat became brighter to me.

 And although the flowers were pleasant, I did not admire them as I stared blankly for a while until I finally noticed that a note was attached to the bouquet. 

After yanking it from within the petals of the flower, I read the card, and written within it was an apology from Jennie, in which she revealed the reasons she cannot be with me tonight. 

For a long while, I simply stared at the yellow heart-shaped paper in my hand, squished it, and threw it on the floor.

'She lied,' were the only thoughts that cross my mind.

How could I be such a fool to have my hopes up like this was the first time she had made such a promise when I had my heart messed up by her countless time in the past.

“Fuck this!“ I mumbled, losing myself to my anger. 

But rage was nothing like the other emotions that suddenly took over me.

The more I thought about how stupid this was, I suffered a weight on my heart and felt a piercing ache in my chest. 

Suddenly, the room appeared dim, and I could not exhale. It was damn frustrating that my emotions were trying to burst out the more I tried to numb myself. Yet, I suppressed the air in my lung to sedate myself. 

My heart burns, even though I knew the probability of Jennie being honest with her words was slim and it made me feel like a fool and miserable. 

Tonight was supposed to be different from the other nights. I mean she swore on it, and this is what I fucking get after waiting for all those months!

Not even knowing what to do now, I left the living room and headed to our room, walked into the bathroom, got stripped, and stepped into the bathtub.

After turning on the shower, I leaned my head against the glass and shut my eyes, allowing the water to drain on my body.

 Despite the internal misery I was battling within and the mess of thoughts that keep bugging my mind, I felt a tiny sense of warmth from the hot shower as the water ran down my eyebrow, towards my collar, and down my bare skin. 

Sighing out my frustration, I stood still because I was too weak to move a muscle. 

Finally, when I raised my lashes, I glared at the Steam that filled the room, feeling uncomfortable by the hot air as I flinched my toes on the wet floor, drowning slowly in my feelings. 

People believed that a man should never cry, and sometimes, I kind of agreed with that logic. 

Yet, tonight, my soul ached, comparable to a knife punching through my chest, and I sensed the agony ripping through my muscles and bones, and the was no way in hell I could ignore my emotions. 

I wanted this shit to stop hurting and find the silver lining in this mess-up situation with my wife. But right now, it was challenging to be a husband. 

Everyone has their breaking point, and right now, I was vulnerable to my emotions and could not restrain myself from sobbing. 

But it felt pathetic in some sense, so I began beating my injured hands against the mirror because I needed that distraction from the anguish I was enduring inside. So, I suffered my physical pain to be my distraction. 

Fresh blood drained out of the cut as I scowled at my finger, and realized that this was self-harm and in a slight second of sanity, I felt like inflicting pain against me was absurd. 

Yet, I could not stop myself because I wanted my heartache to cease and needed a remedy to aid myself. 

But as I was going for another hit, my phone in our bedroom started ringing, and an annoyance, I tried to ignore it. Yet it kept vibrating and buzzing.

At the fourth ring, I became exhausted from the noise and decided that I had had enough. So, I left the shower and returned to the bedroom.

As I walked passed the bed, I side-eyed my phone before heading for my closet, knowing that I did not want to talk to anyone in this state.

After getting dressed, I headed to my bed, picked up my phone screen, and a sense of dilemma tore me apart because it was Jennie calling. 

There's a tiny line between absurdity and love. But when it comes to Jennie, I don't mind crossing it. So it wasn't a shock to me that I answered her call, even though I hated it.

"Hello, hubby." Her delicate voice echoed, it was soft like a whisper, but with a subdued melody to its tone.

At this point, I am used to this. But I still lock the words to say something because I was trying to be understood and not lose my damn mind as a part of me wanted to do.

"I mist you a lot.“ Jennie uttered, and I couldn't help scoffing at her words, even though I was kind of glad she did.

“Hmm,”

“I feel so bad calling this late, though my work could not permit me. You know how much I want to spend our anniversary together… with you.“

“Do I?“

“ Jackson, please. It hurts me not to be with you tonight. But, I will make it up to you when I get home tomorrow." 

What the heck does this woman have over me?! Even though I have heard such words way too frequently and they turned out to be lies, right now, I want to believe her.

But to be fair,  she is the only woman who can shift my spirit with just her expressions and words because she and I have lived so many unforgettable years.

"Hubby, are you there?" Jennie asked, after a couple of silent minutes. “I have to hang up. I love you.“

"It's all good, and I love you too," I told her before she cut the line off.

It felt surreal that that's all I told Jennie. But what more can I say when she's not even here for me to look into her eyes and understand what she's truly feeling.

Frustrated with me, more than her, I sat on my bed and buried my face into my palm, mumbling beneath my breath, "What a dull and exhausting night,"