I think of the palm reading she had given me close to a month ago during Thanksgiving. Everything she has said is slowly becoming factual, and I wish it weren't.
I want a sense of normality. I want to feel like I can wake up without feeling like I can't breathe. I want to live without feeling as if I need to look over my shoulder or question everyone's intentions. But that isn't my life. Not anymore. In a sense, I chose this route myself, and I need to live with it and the gradual abyss it's dragging me into. But I can't go down without a fight; I refuse to be utterly powerless. My endeavors—independent endeavors—start with finding out who put the camera in my office. I have an idea
**It's a simple question I have to ask, which should prompt a simple answer. As I hold the camera between the empty space between myself and the three of them across from me, I know I have to ask this simple question—Did you put this camera in my office? And after this question, Sebastian should answer with a yes or a no. But this doesn't happen immediately. I continue to hold the small, cracked camera between us and wait. I don't know what I'm waiting for—myself, or for them, who knows. I look into Sebastian's eyes and pray I find someone else in them. Someone who wouldn't do this to me, jeopardizing my career and my privacy with this small model of surveillance. I want to believe he didn't—he wouldn't. "I found this camera in my office last week," I tell t
i know who i am. or at least who i need to be i do things for her - for him - for us. i do things for love. for security. for safety slowly, however, i look in the mirror and see myself changing. maybe it's for the better, or maybe it's for the worst. But if it's for her - for him - for us, then i'm content. or should i be? i look in the mirror and i see someone else. i look at my hands and see blood but i know who i am - i am the man she raised me to be. but she's gone - he took her away from me.
** December 23rd, 10:23 PM SEBASTIAN It amazes me, how I continuously seem to fuck up the moment I think I'm doing something right. Leslie just left me. Well, not in that sense—we weren't' together in that way, even though we were only one step away from getting to that point. No, she left me, here in Salvador's library because I lied to her. Well, I lied to her, then yelled at her and told her that Alejandro was playing her in a room of her colleagues; her own assistant (who was fucking Claude behind our backs. I should have known—that bastard, him). I shouldn't have yelled, but the moment my mouth opened, the words wouldn't stop. They just kept flowing out of me; she's such a pain i
** My hands have become numb from banging on the window. The blood has dried on the glass from how long we've been driving - me and this mysterious driver who refuses to answer any of my questions. My tears have dried, too - perhaps I have none left. All I can do is stare forward as we drive. To where? I don't know. My mind caves in on itself, the sound of the gunshots still ringing in my ear as if I'm still at the mansion hearing them for the first time. If I had just run a little faster, I could have seen who it was; who the victim was. It came from the library—what if it was Alejandro? Sebastian? Bile rises in my throat. The tears I thought were gone are coming back and blurring my vision. I pull out my pho
** I let the water from my shower run over my body hot, rinsing tonight away. But as badly as I want tonight to wash down the drain, all I see pink from the blood on my hands. The truth left Isaac's mouth, and the first thing I did was excuse myself for a shower. Of course, Isaac didn't oppose. He sat there as I slowly got up, went to the bathroom, turned on the faucet and stepped into the hot water. And now, I just stand in it. I stand in it, letting the memories connect with the truth I've been given. Luís Mateo Velasquez. Assassin. Drug Cartel. It doesn't seem real. That, or I'm ashamed, shocked, afraid that I slept with a man like Alejandro—Luís. Not only did I sleep with him, but I dated him. Thought I might have loved him. He lied to me twice. No telling how many
**I awaken with a tight feeling around my wrists.My vision is blurred, my head throbbing and brain disoriented. I don't know where I am, and my last memories are a jumbled mess. The last thing I remember clearly is Isaac telling the guards to get me out of the car. Everything else, for the moment, is darkness. Bleak. Scrambled TV static.I open my eyes but remain completely still. I wait for sounds before I make any sudden movements; my vision is still getting back to me.I can hear muffled speech in another language. It takes a moment for me to realize that it's in Spanish. I can grasp the conversation—what I need from it:"You fucking idiots. Do you not know how to fo
** I stand between the both of them as if I'm not on the brink of life and death myself. Their guns are still raised towards each other even though I stand between them. They look past me into each other's eyes, speaking volumes. I don't know what to do, so I just stand between and hope that, soon, it's all over. Eventually, I have the courage to speak. "Put the fucking guns down." My hands are shaking. "Now." "Leslie, come here," Claude says cautiously, like Alejandro is a bear or a wolf planning on attacking me. "Get away from him." "Don't listen to him, Leslie." I hear Alejandro's hand tightened around the grip of the gun. "He's the last one that can protect you."
** Today is Christmas, though I'm anything but festive. The house is empty and quiet when I wake up. I took the guestroom, which happens to be significantly larger than my own room at home. The sun comes in brightly through the large windows, illuminating the table that centers the room, the dresser, the TV and the large bed I can't seem to get out of. I refrain from touching my phone since Isaac suggested that engaging with social media or stressing myself out more with work is counter-intuitive. I reminded him that I still have a job—a career—that I have a commitment to. But my life (again, per Isaac's words) is more important than my career, and until this shitstorm is settled, I have to lay low. I didn't take it well; I'm still adjusting.
**I thought my victory over Claire Finch would last as long as the buzz around her scandal. Apparently, I was wrong.I'm unsure if it's because the heat has lasted longer in the press, at a constant peak, then expected—two weeks. It's all everyone is talking about. It's all everyonehasbeen talking about since Claire came out with the statement.In my office, I watch an interview that Claire did yesterday with Diane Sawyer about her infidelity scandal. I read the comments more than anything; they're less than sympathetic. I force myself to see the immense positivity in this, but with Sebastian not here to share this victory with me, it's almost useless in a selfish sense. A professional sense? It's an instant boost in my career. A publicist's ace in the
I should tell someone. I should do something. I should say something to someone I trust, but admittedly, I'm too scared. The journal, dark and tattered but still intact, rest on my lap as I sit in my car, too scared to put the keys into the ignition in fear of the car blowing up with me inside it. I've called Isaac and asked him to pick me up from the restaurant due to "car trouble;" I didn't mention the journal to him. He would only tell me that I should have listened to him about moving to Venetia. He would also tell me that this is certainly Garrett's doing—everything I already know being told to me over again. I don't open the journal again. I feel like I'm invading Sebastian's memories if I were to read it again; he's let go of the drama that's surrounded it. Now that it's back, all of its baggage comes with it. I should burn it. Bury it. Hide it somewhere. Part of me wants to
** I tap my fingers impatiently against the table top, watching restaurant goers enjoy their mimosas and laugh over their egg toasts. Brunch seemed like a reasonable time for Claire to meet me. Not for dinner or lunch or even breakfast, but brunch. That was the only time she'd agree to. She also set the place for our meeting—The Edenboroughin Beverly Hills. Very upscale eatery; money is dripping from every guest in the room. Claire, who had me make the reservation, texted me and told me she would be a little late the moment I walked into the restaurant. At that point, I knew she was messing with me. But I don't mind indulging in her childish antics. The fact that she agreed to meet with me is progress enough. "Can I get you started with something to drink, miss Ki
**JANUARYFor the last thirty days, I've been dealing with the most unbearable anxiety.Not because of everything that happened in December—I have been seeing a therapist for almost an entire month who has helped me tremendously with correctly channeling my feelings about everything that happened to me; Sebastian promised to talk to someone if I did, so we're both making weekly visits to shrinks.It isn't work, either. Work has been "relatively" normal ever since I returned to my apartment and eventually got back into my routine. The ideal reasons aren't the reasons at all. The real reason involves a man that I can't seem to get enough of—a man that seems to always spiral my life out of con
** Sebastian's house has a heavy, eerie feeling to it when no one is here. Its vast walls and weaving hallways have to always be occupied. If not, it's like an abandoned castle from legend. I wonder how Sebastian managed to dwell here on his own when he wasn't hosting parties. I sit outside most of the day on one of the chairs in the courtyard. With my laptop, I get back to work; it takes my mind off of last night. I want to feel somewhat normal again but in truth, I don't know if everything will ever be truly normal like it once was. I suppose this is the life I live now, and I have to learn how to adjust to it instead of running away from it. Hours pass and so do countless emails. I've responded to every media outlet in my i
** I wait for the walls to cave in on themselves. I wait for the lights to go out and for everyone to disappear. Suddenly, I'll be free falling. And right before I hit the ground, I'll jolt myself awake; this is a dream. I want this to be a dream. I want to wake up right next to Leslie with the sunrays and the sheets and shit. I don't want this to be real. But after waiting for the end of the dream, it never comes. This is real life. What I'm seeing is one-hundred percent real. Claude, Isaac and Penny stand beside me, staring in the same direction that I am but wearing different facial expressions; I'm the only one whose expression isn't distinctive. Salvador continues to try and wake Alejandro up. There's a small groan that emanates from him, but he still remai
**SEBASTIANI like watching her sleep.She'll never know this, though. Never on my fucking life; I always preach about how ridiculous it is to watch someone as they're deep in slumber, but fuck, I can't help it this time—she looks so beautiful. Angelic, almost. Peaceful, too. I've done this before, watch her sleep. We were at my mom's house in Tennessee. I went through a rough patch, and she slept on the couch in my room through the night. When I woke up, she was still there, wrapped in a blanket up to her neck, eyes soft and without worry. Now is a little different. Now, she's underneath my sheets with the fabric clinging to the titillating curves of her body. Her bare legs stick out through my bedding, her breasts barely covered. Her hair is a m
** I don't know how to feel about the sight in front of me. Alejandro being carried away. That's what I see, sitting on the ground with Sebastian's arms still wrapped around me. I watch Isaac and Claude lift his body up and haul him out of the room. His eyes are closed, hair hanging back to reveal more of the gash on his nose—the gash I created. I just stare, my body in a state of shock with my limbs frozen stiff. They struggle to haul Alejandro's mass through the door, but they succeed, the sounds of their laborious breathing being heard as they travel down the hall. When they're gone, I look around the room at the mess—the ceiling plaster scattered on the floor, the broken lamp, overturned furniture. None of it seems real when the images burn into my brain. Sebastian begins to remove his hold on me, slowly as if it's a danger to my wellbeing for him to break away. "I'll be right back," he assures me. His voice is certain and adamant
** The only thought that races through my mind is death. Alejandro is going to kill me. That's what's going to happen. He's going to shoot me, and the moment everyone downstairs hears the gunshot, it will be too late; the gun is already pressed into my back. All he needs to do is pull the trigger. "I don't want to hurt you, Leslie," Alejandro whispers in my ear. I'm too scared to speak; he told me not to make a sound. I breathe in the rough leather of his glove and tense against the gun on my back. Eyes closed, I wait for him to shoot. But he never does. Instead, he removes the gun, still keeping his hand over my mouth. I'm pressed even further into his chest, smelling the sweat and tobacco stuck to his clothing. The sound of knocking on the door makes us both jump in alarm. "Leslie, it's me," Sebastian says on the other side. The moment I hear his voice, I scream even louder into Alejandro's glove. "Shut up," he growled into m