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47. DREAMS
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A TWENTY SOMETHING 48. SHALL I GO WITH YOU?
HANA I stayed late today. Something about what Asli said this morning doesn't sit with me well. "I'll help you," He said or I heard him say to her during the leisure. It can be any help. But it doesn't hurt to know more. I want to complete the work Bash gave me. A part of me wants to make him feel proud of me. I've never had a person whom I call mine. Even if it's just for a short period of time. I don't think it's possible to have someone like that, someone with whom you can share anything and rely on everything, someone with whom you can be weak without having to feel vulnerable. Damn, Bash has his way of making people feel.. I heard a distant laughter followed by footsteps into our ODC. Soon, Asli and Demir walked in. "sen benim kurtarıcımsın, (You are my saviour). Thank you for always being there." I heard Asli say. "Come on. I know the workload. I can't unsee the hard work you do." Asli gave him a grateful smile before they both sat at her desk.
A TWENTY SOMETHING 49. AND HE LEFT
HANA I looked at the photo of Bash and smiled to myself. He stared at it for more than ten minutes last night. I took it when he was taking out an invitation card from an envelope, capturing his hands and his chest behind. Nothing on his face is captured in the photo except for his sharp jaw. "You should think about switching your career," He told me. "You capture moments." "It's too late for me," I told him. "You are just twenty-three." "I feel like I am fifty." Bash shook his head, still staring at the photo of him, "There's a child in you. Never let her go." His eyes bore into me as he held my gaze. "Why does it feel like you are giving me life lessons right now?" "Maybe I am." I didn't like it a bit. Because people tend to give others advice when they are going to leave. In our case, it is inevitable. As though he understood what I was thinking, he stretched his hand and scooted to him. Like this, I feel so small.
A TWENTY SOMETHING 50. THE GRIEF
HANA I inhaled the scent of his shirt I found in my laundry bucket. He was here a few hours ago. My room still smells like him. Why does he have to leave without waking me up? What was the last thing we did? I didn't remember. My phone rang for the fifth time. I reached out to it, thinking it was Bash. Like last time, it was Shalini. I swiped it and attended the call. "Where were you?" She yelled from the other side. "Did something happen? I have been trying to reach you for an hour now." My lips trembled when I tried to talk. "He is gone," I tell her. "He is just gone." "Hey," Her tone softened as she talked. "What do you mean he is gone?" She questioned in a low tone. "He left," I sobbed. "Without a goodbye." "Isn't that what you want, Hana?" She asked me. I nod my head, as tears flood my eyes. "We still have a month. It hurts, Shalini. It fucking hurts to know that he won't be here with me." I heard the tapping of her footst
A TWENTY SOMETHING PART:II- 51.CILLIAN SEBASTIAN MERRICK
HANA Mateo is not at all happy with my decision to visit Bash. "I can't live like this," I tried to explain. When did this happen? When did I become so close with my two colleagues that my body refused to step out without convincing Mateo that whatever I was doing was for my own good? "I need a closure. I will just talk to him and I can't reach my sister. I need to see her too." I felt awful for wanting to meet my sister when I was actually going to meet Bash. I never would have gone just to see her. That realisation only made me feel more selfish. I put Bash above everyone. "You are going with hope for the future, Hana. Not for closure. No matter what you told yourself, that's the truth." Mateo declared, and Shalini punched him on his biceps. "What's wrong with that?" She asked him. "What's wrong in hope for a future with the person?" "That will only make you an emotional fool," He says. His eyes darted to me, "You are more practical than this."
A TWENTY SOMETHING 52. REVELATION
HANA Someone held my wrist and dragged me away from the crowd to a secluded place. I am still looking at the person I loved, whom my sister called Cillian through the large French windows. He gave a polite smile to Lilly, my sister's best friend. His smile was so animated or that's what I thought. I sensed large hands, wrapping around my shoulder, and I immediately jerked away. "Hana, it's me," Ahmet said, removing his white mask. Relief flooded through my body. "Ahmet," I whispered. "What are you doing here?" He asked me, concern visible on his face which is odd because he never showed emotions in the months I have known him. "I..." My throat clogged, expecting the worst but I forced my words out. "I came for Bash," I tell him. He opened his mouth to say something but shut it immediately as though he wanted more reasons for my presence here, and somehow he managed to guess them in less than five seconds. "You should leave,
A TWENTY SOMETHING 53. BLEEDING HEARTS
HANA "You always do that," Mickael whispered soothingly. I raised my head, looking at him blankly, my cheeks were stained with tears I didn't want to shed. But they escaped anyway. "Pressing your knuckles to your eyes so that you could stop yourself from crying. I would suggest against it. Cry as much as you want." I shook my head, doing the same damn thing again, pressing my knuckles to my eyes gently. "I don't want to cry over them. It only reminds me of how foolish I have been." "What happened?" He asked me, pulling over at the side of a vacant road. I shook my head again. I know Micheal won't judge. In fact, he will take my side. But I can't take the pity anymore. "Tell me whom do I have to put into a coma? For you, I will." I felt choked up and teary. But I laughed at his words. "Me, put me into a coma," I tell him honestly. If I get a chance to forget everything and sleep, I will. I
A TWENTY SOMETHING 54. DENIAL
HANA It really feels like a goodbye now. I am in denial. I am still looking towards the airport terminal gate as though he would magically appear from it if I look hard enough and say that this is all a joke. I waited for seven hours here, and when the final announcement for the departure of my flight was given, I knew, it was over. I don't want to believe it. But it's over. I didn't remember how I reached Istanbul or in what state I was. I slept through an entire day. When I woke up, I packed everything that reminded me of Bash, the dresses I wore on our dates, his shirt which had been my nightwear for three weeks before I took the dumbest decision of my life, the backpack I took to New York, the cups he bought, the shoes he gifted and the bedsheets, pillow covers, skincare products I applied on his face, everything I packed and hid it in a cupboard except for my body. It's the biggest reminder of him. I don't know how to get out of this body. Then I started dee
A TWENTY SOMETHING 55. ANGER
HANA 'There are better men, Hana. But you will remember me. Just me. I will live here. You will remember me, just me.' I opened my eyes with a gasp. The echo of his voice is still loud in my head. I pressed my knuckles to my eyes. Wetness coated on my skin. I became breathless not with the ache in my heart but with anger. I have to do something, anything to prove that he is just a phase of my life and I can easily forget him. But the more I try, the more I fail. He is engraved in my heart and skin. I stomped through my house with the newly found fury. 'Why?' I screamed. 'Why me? What did I do?' In that fury, I did something I never thought I would do. When Mateo asked me again what happened in New York, I told him everything about Cillian and Violet. By the time, I completed, his eyes looked so red. "Son of a bitch," He muttered. "I am so sorry, Hana." He says, pulling me into a hug. I still find it uncomfortable to adjust to
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