CHAPTER 1: PART 5

PRESENT DAY....

"Could this day life get any better" I muttered to myself waiting for slumber to take me.

I sat up. Huffing I looked around. I needed something that could distract my mind. The emotions I was going through were too heavy on me. I wanted to curl up and die, a day just so I forget. Instead, my mind went on a race of its own.

                                I’m troubled.

                                Can you tell?

                              I hide it so well,

                      I smile my mind run miles,

               I speak no words my energy’s thought…

                             I’m troubled.

                            Can you see?

                 My eyes wonder every path,

        My mind has wondered about, I wonder……’

‘No,  no, no.  I cannot do this to myself. The moment I allow this thoughts, this poem conversion of mine to go on, I will go deeper. I need to stop thinking’

So I had this problem, this tendency of seeing everything and anything analytically, and I tend to put it in a poem manner. It was a habit I couldn’t stop. Every time I was faced with something I would start analyzing it up until it becomes a poem. The moment it becomes a poem, I start understanding the situation better, then I become overwhelmed.

Growing up alone, well not alone, but growing up with no one to talk to, turn to with my problems, it caused me to stay more in my mind than I could wish.

Every time I was always analyzing things, especially how people thought. I mean I wanted to understand what I did wrong to them. To Michael and my mother.

My mother’s emotional absence caused such void that made me wonder what was on her mind, what was her next move, for everything she did or decided, because I mean, we never talked about anything pertaining my life or hers for that matter. She was just this shell that expected I do right all the time. The emotions, what internal battles I was going through, well let’s just say it didn’t even click to her that it was important to talk about them. I don’t even think she thought I had them.

I’m sure she thought I was this child that wanted to rebel and do what I wanted. Yes she was fighting her battles but I was young, I needed her. I needed to be groomed.

It wasn’t my fault nor hers thought because with the way she grew up, during her time, what I understood was that they never talked about their feelings with their parents. It was either you do right or when you do wrong you get beaten, that was their way of communication. So her and I not talking about feelings, I kind of understood, but I still believed she could have taken a different path. I mean she saw how much I was suffering, or so I thought; she could have just looked at what went wrong when they groomed because I mean she wasn’t perfect nor was she a parent to me; she should have seen that and try to fix but instead she ignored the fact that we had no communication at all and went on with her life. She just expected I do right and when I did wrong, well you know what followed. Feelings didn’t matter, thus causing me to become the person I am today. Always, or should I say almost, I’m mostly quiet. Ninety percent of the time I’m in my head. I felt it worked better, I was better. I felt I had someone to talk to, someone who understood what I was going through.

Thinking about life and people well that got to me good. I did it even when I didn’t want to. I would start examining people around me just for the sake of making sure I act accordingly around them. I guess the fear of not having anyone was still in me. In as much as I loved being alone most of the time I did not mind being amongst people. I guess I wanted to feel something, love, needed, well I will say at first it was exhausting but since I had grown to an environment where I couldn’t talk and thinking was all I did well it got to me and it got easier. I would think about their actions, feel their emotions, but it would take a toll on me. Switching emotions was hard but that got easier too, I ended up learning to ignore other’s emotions although sometimes I would get lost in their feelings in a way that it would end up changing my whole day. I was one who wanted to understand what I did wrong that caused them to act the way they acted around me.

It got to a point where I started monitoring emotions in general. I would watch and learn what causes them to act the way they act. I guess I didn’t know how to feel certain emotions. I guess I was just depicting so I could blend in and not appear like a weirdo.

‘So you understand why I am tired right now, I mean I have been trying to sleep for I don’t know how long now!  And the moment I start thinking about life and well, people because life is people I am ready to hit that sack. Talk about a hypocritical mind' I thought to myself as I drifted off.

Tiredly, I was soon engulfed by slumber that came with confusion.

I slept in no more than five minutes after; though I had been having sleeping problems from when I was eleven. At that time, it was understandable, it had been hard for me to sleep, with all the things I was going through at home and at school.

Oh yeah, school life gradually changed. I mean my favorite teacher was gone, and I found out that all those kids that had befriended me were only friends because I was liked by our teacher, and well they reaped benefits from knowing me at that time. Benefits like candy and good reputation of course with a little bit of attention. I mean who could have known at that time kids noticed all that.

'Dump kids'

I seriously hated Miss Johnson for leaving.

My father on the other hand, that was a long closed chapter I did not want to read into it anymore.

Whilst I was asleep my mind wasn't. I was dreaming of happy moments, yes I would have bad moments but it wasn’t like before. I had finally found peace, well half peace so to say. My body drifted off to fairyland, a dream I wouldn't want to remember but had to for it was the day of my accomplishment, a day my tormenters got their payment. It was a day of victory, yet another trouble rose up after. Trouble unknown I called it. I never understood that after part and I guess that is why I had to have that dream.